How a Grinch Survives the Holidays

The Merriam-Webster dictionary app on my iPhone 5c tells me that a Grinch is an unpleasant person who spoils other people's fun or enjoyment.  I don't intend to be a Grinch, but I truly dislike the holiday season.  It is a time, full of faux cheer and happiness, and the one thing I despise the most in life is anything that is not authentic.  Let's face it, everything about the holidays is fake.

Santa Claus is not real.  Yet parents go to great lengths to keep this reality from their children.  Apparently it is acceptable for your children to believe, that there is a creepy fat man constantly spying on them and monitoring their behavior.  If he feels that your behavior meets his standards, he will magically fly around the world in a sled pulled by reindeer that have super powers and bring you beautifully wrapped presents that he leaves underneath the fake tree your parents put up in your living room.  It's the world's worst fairy tale.  I hate fairy tales. 

People are so wrapped up in buying people things for Christmas, that they set up special savings accounts, just for the purpose of splurging on Christmas gifts.  How warped is that?  The whole holiday season has become nothing more than a huge commercial monstrosity.  Retailers are banking on the fact that you'll spend a large amount of your income on buying worthless shit between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Christmas spending is closely monitored by financial experts and is used as an indicator to the health of our economy.  Let that sink in for a moment.  Experts base the health of our nation's economy on how much money you spend at Christmas time!

Then there is the "remember the reason for the season" and the "keep Christ in Christmas" group.  This group annoys me the most during the holidays, mostly because they are a bunch of self-righteous, highly sensitive, religious nit-wits.  You want to celebrate the birth of Christ in December?  I'm cool with that.  I'm not cool with you demanding that every other American celebrate it with you.  Stop being sensitive twats.  It's glaringly obvious, that a majority of Americans believe the reason for the season is to keep our economy afloat by buying cheap plastic toys assembled in China.  You are fighting a losing battle.  Retailers will outspend you a million dollars to one, to convince everyone that it is more important to attend Black Friday sales than midnight masses. 

Once we move past Christmas and get to New Year's, we find another batch of phoniness.  The same people that spent a fortune on Christmas presents, will spend another small fortune on booze in an effort to forget how fake they were a week ago.  They'll get hammered on expensive champagne in an effort to celebrate their crummy year and to welcome in what promises to be their best year ever.  I secretly suspect that most of them know that every new year will be nearly identical to the last, They'll make out cute little lists about all of the things that they resolve to change and do better in the new year, knowing full well that the list will long be forgotten before the end of January.  Stop lying to yourself.  You're not going to go to the gym for more than a few weeks.  Don't waste your money on that new membership.  You're not going to save more money, except maybe in your Christmas account.  You're not going to be a better husband, because you secretly hate your life and it's impossible to be a better husband when you don't really like your wife all that much. 

Fuck.  If we could just drop all of the bull shit and be more honest with ourselves, this Grinch could start enjoying the holidays. 

Yes.  I will buy my kids Christmas presents.  No, I won't go into debt to do so.  Yes, I enjoy the paid days off of work, time spent with friends and loved ones.  There are things that I like about the holidays, like big fancy dinners full of good food.  College football bowl games.  Rockettes line dancing in short skirts exposing a lot of leg.  But by and large, I hate almost everything about Christmas and most of the people who like it. 

Bah Humbug to you and yours.  Thanks for keeping our economy afloat.  Tell the fat man in the red suit that I said to fuck off.  I work enough overtime to be able to afford to buy my own shit anyway.