A Happy Day in History

In the fall of 1996, I was a freshman at a community college in Central Illinois. Just after starting the semester, I became a friend to an openly gay man. This is noteworthy because I did not grow up in a gay friendly environment. I was raised in a radical, right wing religious home. As children, we were taught in church, that homosexuals were people that were beyond the aid of God. They were the most perverse, wicked people on the planet. Sadly, this is not an exaggeration.

When I met Corey, I was fascinated by this strange human being. I use the word strange in an entirely complimentary fashion. He was a Wiccan. He read Tarot cards. He painted his fingernails and wore weird clothes and he loved other men. He was entirely open about his lust for other men, which at first made me a little uncomfortable.

Corey and I were inseparable during my first year of college. We went on a lot of adventures together. He took me to my first gay bar, where we danced for hours. Yes, I used to dance when I was young.

At some point, Corey decided that there should be a gay support group at the community college. He asked me to help and I consented. Starting a gay support group was not a popular decision. My family more or less disowned me. The community wrote letters to the editor of our local daily newspaper. They were not in support of our proposed group. The student senate at the community college held an open forum, allowing students to speak in support or opposition of the group. Nearly all of the speakers were in opposition. The College's Young Republicans Club was particularly vocal about their opposition.

A gay support group from another college offered their support. As luck would have it, their faculty advisor was a law professor. She was prepared to sue the college on our behalf, should they decide to deny our permit. The board meeting that ultimately decided the fate of our group was covered by local television and print media. The B-GLADD (Bisexuals-Gays, Lesbians and Allies to Develop Diversity) was accepted that night. As an ally, I became the club's first vice-president.

After that freshman year, I dropped out of college. I've never been good at sitting in classrooms. Corey eventually moved to California and I lost touch with him over the years. Because of his friendship, my evolution as a human began. I have never voted for a Republican since.

Over the years, two close family members have come out of the closet. I got to be the first family member that they came out to. I've become close friends with a lot of gay humans. I've attended Chicago's Pride Parade.

Today, I did a little happy dance on the assembly line, when I saw the breaking news that the Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage would be legal in all of the United States. I can't take any credit for any of the good news, but I've been celebrating this historic moment all day long. It is long overdue.

19 years ago, at a small community college in Illinois, we never imagined that we would live in a world that would allow a gay couple to marry. Hell, we were just hoping that we could move about town without getting our asses kicked.

That gay support group? It's still in existence today. I'm incredibly proud that I was involved with creating a support group that has helped human beings feel a little more comfortable with who they are, a group that has helped promote diversity in an often intolerant environment.

From Ellen's first kiss on national television, to celebrating legally recognized gay marriages. We've made a giant stride in acceptance America, and I'm proud to have grown right along with all of you.

Freedom is an Illusion

"Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?"

                                                      -Lyrics from the Star Spangled Banner


On my Webster's dictionary app, Freedom is defined as the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action. (definition 1 a)

Freedom. Liberty. As Americans, we use these words in regular conversation. We live under the delusion that we are a free people. We stand, with our hats off and our hands over our hearts, as they sing the national anthem before every sporting event. We say the pledge of allegiance. In a few weeks, we'll celebrate Independence Day. We talk about how proud we are to be Americans. We talk about the greatness of our nation. And we shame anyone that dares to stop being a mindless fucking robot and speaks any truth to the contrary of the blind patriotism that Americans possess.

I won't do it anymore. I refuse to pretend that we are a free people. I refuse to follow the programming that our government and our news sources feed us.

You see, the problem is that I'm not wired like everyone else. Something went wrong when I was born. The computer in my brain is defective. At some level, I've known this since I was young. Despite the fact that everyone told me to shut up and fall in step, I still question everything. I am restless. I am anxious. And no matter how many people tell me that I'm crazy, I can't stop asking "why?" I can not stop looking for answers.

I read a lot. I'm constantly researching things. Whenever I hear a topic or subject that I don't know the answers to, I have to look them up. This makes me a dangerous person to befriend. I will always strive to find out why you believe the things that you do. This will drive you nuts. My co-workers love me because of this. Yes, that last line is sarcasm.

Lately I've read and researched Wilhelm Reich, an Austrian Psychoanyalst that moved to America to escape the Nazi's. His work inspired progress in several fields of psychology. He is often described as one of the most radical figures in psychiatry.  Wilhelm Reich died in a U.S. prison and over six tons of his research material was burned by order of the court.

I learned of Reich by listening to talks by Robert Anton Wilson. He was an author, poet, psychologist and overall general pervert. He was also a lifelong friend of Timothy Leary. Leary was an American psychologist and writer. He worked at Harvard. He spent time in over 20 different prisons around the world. Why? Because he taught people to "think for yourself and question authority." He was once sentenced to 30 years in prison for possessing a single marijauna joint. Leary also escaped from a minimum security prison, was smuggled into Switzerland and lived as a refugee in several countries before being illegally extradited by our government. Richard Nixon labeled him as the "most dangerous man in America." After his illegal extradition, he was placed in Folsom Prison and given an exorbitant bail. Why? Because the judge in charge of his trial said, "if he was allowed to travel freely, he will speak publicly and spread his ideas." Leary is one of my personal heroes.

I could go on forever stating individual examples of our government acting in a totalitarian manner. Instead, lets look at life in America today.

We have the highest prison population in the world. Our police departments kill more citizens than any other country.

And we allow the wealthy and the religious to run our government. Religion influences our laws on reproduction control, on women's rights to choose, on who can marry, on who can adopt children, on what we can teach in our classrooms. Why? Why do we allow one religion to influence the laws that govern a "free" people?

Why do we allow senators from Arizona to trade off federally protected land that is sacred to Native Americans, to a corporation that used to employ one of those senators? Why do we allow rich people, corporations and foreign interests to donate unlimited money to political candidates? Why do corporations get a pass on paying taxes? Why do we pass laws that harm American workers, but help corporations make larger profits? How the fuck did we wind up being so fucking mediocre?

Fucking corporations making modified plants, to survive ultra poisonous weed killers. Wall Street caring more about making record profits, year after year after year, never caring about killing the middle class. Men and Women working full time jobs for companies with billion dollar profits, yet having to rely on our government to feed and house their families. Students graduating college with tens of thousands of dollars of student loans, and not being able to find jobs. Health insurance companies profiting millions and billions on sick people, while millions go without basic healthcare. Teachers living in poverty. Banks getting bailed out, while thousands lose their homes, foreclosed back to the same banks that admitted to defrauding millions of people. Soldiers shipped overseas to fight senseless, never ending wars. A defense budget that dwarfs education, that dwarfs welfare. Rampant greed. Unprecedented violence. A government that monitors all of our text messages and internet activity.

Call me a radical if you'd like. Call me crazy. But don't call me a robot. I refuse to follow the scheduled programing any longer. Welcome to America; land of the robots, home of millions of apathetic humans.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I received an email notification from the Chicago Tribune last week.  In it they thanked me for submitting my short story "As The World Burns," but they were really sorry that it didn't make the final cut for their contest.  Three weeks ago Poetry Magazine notified me by email that they would pass on the poems that I had previously submitted.  They were apologetic about it too.  A week prior to that Electric Literature, an online publication, passed on my short story "Hero Cops." As of this moment, I no longer have any further submissions out in the "seeking publication universe."

So where do I go from here?  I don't exactly have an answer to that question.  I believe that I'll take some time to continue writing on the projects that I'm working on, while I edit and revise the things I've already finished. 

I haven't written much poetry lately, but I have been working a little bit each day on two longer stories that I'm writing.  I've resorted to writing with pen and paper.  It seems that I'm more productive with that format.  When I write on the laptop I get distracted easily with editing and researching. 

I think that I've submitted to over 20 different publications and contests in the last year.  All of them have apologetically declined.  I've saved every rejection notice.  Someday soon, I will print them out and display them somewhere.  They are a badge of honor for me.  Proof that I've taken a chance. 

Part of the reason for a delay in updating this column and the lack of poem writing, is due to my current depression type issues.  My doctor prescribed an anti-depressant.  It made me feel groggy all day, so I stopped taking it. 

Am I good writer?  I don't know.  I do know that I can only improve with continued effort.  In the face of uncertainty of where to go from here, I'll just keep stringing words together and see what happens. 

Thank you all for your continued support.